29 -- Jozef and Konrad Talk

A month later Jozef was sitting at his desk, trying to concentrate on the numbers of this year’s harvest. His mind kept skipping to the disaster at his last meeting with Nina. He tried to think of nothing and doodled on a piece of scrap paper. A knock sounded on the door.

His man Mariusz opened the door.

Konrad stomped in, rubbing his hands from the late autumn cold outside. Jozef rose and glanced at what he had doodled. It was a round face, laced with black curls. Large dark eyes looked at him from the paper. He grabbed it, wadded it up and threw it into the waste basket.

In the living room, he bade Konrad sit in the easy chair and offered him a drink and a cigar. They smoked quietly for a while. Eventually Konrad asked, “How are things going so far, Jozef? Are you happy with us?”

Jozef wiped a sad memory from his mind. “You don’t have to ask. I love the work and I really enjoy your family. I couldn’t be happier.” He was lying, but it was a lie intended to cheer up Konrad.

“And I’m happy with you.” Konrad fell silent for a few puffs. “Jozef, you’ve been a priest, so I know you can keep a confidence. It seems not everything in the family is developing as it should.” He bent forward. “Don’t get me wrong. We’re all delighted at Sylwia’s and Karel’s engagement. He’s a nice young man and will make her a great husband. And his father’s holdings will provide her with everything she’ll ever want.”

“I always knew that Karel would be a good match for her,” Jozef said. “How is the rest of the family doing?” He thought of Maja who had lost weight in the last month. She was pale and quiet, not at all like she used to be. He hoped she wasn’t ill.

Konrad bent forward in his chair. “It’s Maja who worries me. For a while, Bolek Kaczka from the Kaczka estate across the river was coming around. We all thought he came for her. But ever since Sylwia’s engagement right after the circus left, she’s been avoiding him. I don’t want her to end up an old maid, but it looks that’s where she’s heading. Bolek would make her a good husband. He’s a little older, so he would be patient with her. He isn’t wealthy, like Karel’s parents, but he’s well off enough to give her a good life. And I’m sure she would learn to love him. But every time I broach that subject, she starts crying and runs to her room. I just don’t know what to do.”

Jozef had been wondering about her too. She hardly came to see him anymore, as she had done so often before. “Have you sent for the doctor for her? She might be ill.”

“The doctor declared her healthy, just in a fugue. She seems to be terribly sad and can’t pull out of it. And if anyone wants to talk to her, she just cries and flees. Do you mind if I send her to you? You’ve been friends before. Maybe she’ll open to you.”

Jozef could so understand her. So often, if he wasn’t careful, he felt a similar sadness come over him, a feeling that he had made a terrible mistake, and that his life would now be devoid of meaning and happiness. He nodded. “She is my friend. I’ll try to talk to her. But don’t send her. Just tell her that I’m lonely and would love her to visit for a while.”

Konrad stubbed out his cigar and rose. “You have made my heart lighter. Just talking to you helps me sort things out in my own mind. I will do as you suggest.” Already at the door, he turned and looked Jozef in the eyes. “And, if she’s partial to you, I wouldn’t mind at all. You’re a good fellow.”

Jozef chuckled. “We’re good friends, that’s all. I think neither I or you have to worry about a development in that direction.”

“However this will develop, I trust you’ll do the honorable thing.”

Jozef once had thoughts about Maja, but that was before… He couldn’t go in that direction now or ever again. And he was pretty sure that Maja, if she ever had designs on him, had forsaken that idea. Or had she? He’d just have to wait and see. He held out his hand to Konrad. “You can rely on that.”

They shook hands and Konrad left.

28 -- Jozef and Nina Meet Once Again

That night, as he finished supper, he was still wondering what to do. He couldn’t just approach Maja. He had no right to do that. On the other hand, he really wanted to know what was going on with Maja and the circus manager.

Finally he decided to try to talk to Nina one more time the next day, the last day of the circus’ visit. They would have one last performance in the early afternoon, and then pack up and leave. If he could just talk to her, maybe he could figure out what to do.

The next day, after stabling his horse at the pub, he decided on an impulse to go to the tree first. After all, every time he’d met Nina, it had been on the last day of the circus’s performances, and under a tree.

He climbed up the small path and saw a female form reclining against the tree. It was Nina!

He stepped closer and his shadow fell over her. She looked up and he sat down next to her. “So we meet under a tree once again,” he said.

She did not smile. “What happened to you? Are you not a priest anymore?”

“I never felt the calling, and I finally decided to leave the priesthood.”

“What are you doing for a living now?”

“I’m the manager for Konrad Bukowski’s lands in this area. I really like this job, Nina. It makes me feel the way the priesthood never did. I work with the local people, and I know I can help them. I keep the books and other affairs in order. It comes easy to me and I enjoy doing it. I’m so much happier.” Jozef realized he was rambling on, but he felt that he had to justify himself and his decision.

Nina said, “I’m glad you’re happy. I have to go now. We’re leaving soon.”

As Nina rose, Jozef remembered Maja and the circus manager. “I have this friend, Maja. She is Konrad’s daughter.”

Nina tensed. She turned to him, her eyes flashing lightning bolts. “As I told you before, I’m married now. It’s better if I don’t ever see you again. Good bye.”

Jozef knew that he’d said something wrong. It’s just that Nina had his heart beating so fast, it seemed he had a fever. His mind was muddled, but he felt he needed to warn her and figure out what had happened. He tried again. “Just a minute. I saw Maja with your husband the other day. I just wondered…”

Nina fled down the path before he could finish his sentence.

27 -- Jozef Sees Something

For the next several days, Jozef rode his horse to the city every day. He timed his rides so he’d arrive right after the afternoon performance. In town, he stabled his horse at the pub’s stables and walked to the circus grounds, where he watched the happy crowds leave, and the artists mingle for a while before getting ready for the next show.

But he never saw Nina. On the second-last day of the circus’ visit, he walked up a little ways from the circus compounds, to a large tree. He sat underneath it and watched the circus people get ready for their next performance, hoping that maybe she’d come to the tree, since they’d met under a tree twice before.

Instead of Nina, however, he saw someone else. Or more exactly two someone elses. A young woman came up the small path, arm in arm with a faintly familiar man. Jozef recognized Maja, and, as they came closer, the man also. It was the manager of the circus, the man who had held Maja’s hand for such a long time during the performance.

What was this man doing with Maja? Jozef had seen the wedding ring on his finger, and as far as he knew, Nina was that man’s wife.

He slipped around the tree, so they wouldn’t see him.

The man pointed to a bench along the path. Maja sat down, with him next to her. He turned to face her and took her hand. His face was closer than it should be.

Jozef was outraged. Nina deserved better than a philandering husband. And what was Maja doing? She, also, knew better. She knew her family would never allow her to be with someone from the circus, even though Konrad was a very gentle man in many ways. And, Jozef could not imagine her looking for an adventure that way.

He strained to hear them, but they were too far off, and spoke to quietly for him to make out what they said.

He stayed quietly behind the tree until the two rose and walked back down again, then, he too left for his horse, deep in thought.

26 -- Jozef Returns from the Circus

Finally the show was over, and the three excited little boys burst out of the tent and into the late afternoon sunshine, closely followed by their two sisters, Karel, and a very upset Jozef.

Outside, on the circus grounds, the boys stopped short at the sight of the old elephant and the sign that was attached to a caravan next to the animal. An old, but familiar sign, announcing cheap elephant rides. For a moment, Jozef was a little boy again, foregoing the delight of such a ride just so he could talk to the prettiest creature he’d ever seen.

A voice took him out of his reverie. “Panje Wawrzyniak?” The oldest one of the boys tugged on his arm. “Maja said we could ride the elephant. Can we?”

In spite of himself, Jozef had to laugh. “Yes, you can.”

A line had already formed and the boys joined it, with their sisters and Jozef right behind them. Maja seemed skittish and unfocused. She said, “Can you make sure they get their ride, Panje Wawrzyniak? I want to look around a little.”

“No problem,” Jozef said. He also wanted to look around, wanted to find Nina, but he could not see her anywhere.

They had reached the head of the line. Jozef paid for the boys and made sure they were securely settled. Amidst shrieks of laughter, they let the elephant make its rounds with them.

Jozef stepped back, again searching for Nina. He saw Maja in the shadow of one of the caravan cages, talking to a slim young man and smiling up at him. He seemed familiar, but Jozef couldn’t place him. And it really didn’t matter. Probably a young man from another wealthy family in the area. The man smiled back at Maja and touched her hand. Good for her. Maybe she had finally found a suitor. He dismissed her from his mind, still looking for Nina, but couldn’t find her, neither deeper in the compound between the cages and caravans, nor among the crowds still milling around in the circus enclosure.

The boys were finished with their ride and Maja rejoined them just as the small group got ready to leave the circus compound. Their coachman was already waiting with the coach, the horses snorting impatiently. The boys filed in without taking a break in their excited retelling of what they had liked best in the circus. With one last, longing look at the circus, Jozef followed after the girls, and the family returned to the estate.

25 -- Jozef Sees Nina Again

The show started again. With a drum roll, a large Asian family catapulted into the ring, from an old, white-haired man to three small children. As if it were a dance, they scrambled on top of each other, forming a human pyramid. Five young men, muscles dancing, comprised the bottom. On top of them stood five women, then three older men, and the three children positioned themselves onto the top somehow. After enthusiastic applause, they, starting at the top, toppled down from each other.

Maja turned to him, eyes gleaming. “I’ve never seen people doing tricks like that before. This is so great!”

He laughed at her enthusiasm. “There’ll be more. Just wait and see.”

He turned back to the ring and forgot to breathe. There, flanked by her brothers, stood Nina, strong and tall, wearing a feathery yellow costume that perfectly underscored her dark beauty. Her eyes were riveted on him, but she wasn’t smiling.

Feeling guilty somehow, Jozef wondered how long she’d been watching him and Maja.

He was hardly aware of the manager’s announcement of the Flying Bufandos. And anyway, she had no right to look at him that way, considering that she was now a married woman. Just to make sure, he looked at her hands, but she had turned and went after her brothers up the swaying ladder to the platform high above the crowd.

Jozef, forgetting everything else around him, followed her with his eyes as she seemed to dance in the air.

After their performance, the clowns came in and delighted the three boys next to him, but Jozef noticed. It was all he could do to keep his face passive and not to spoil the enjoyment of Konrad’s family.

 Nevertehless, towards the end of the show, Maja turned to him. “You’re so quiet, Panje Wawrzyniak. And I do believe you’re pale. Are you feeling all right?”

He gave her the semblance of a smile. “I’m fine. It’s just a little stuffy here.”

He turned and glanced toward the dark section of the tent, where the artists were collected. Nina stood among them, still staring at him. Her face was a study in misery.

24 -- Jozef at the Circus Once Again

 Konrad sent them all off in the large coach. The three young boys couldn’t sit still during the ride. They had never seen a circus before.  Their sisters kept scolding them, and for a few minutes they’d be quiet.

Jozef watched them and kept remembering his first time at the circus. His heart beat just as expectantly as those of the boys.

They arrived at the circus grounds and piled out of the coach. The coachman assured them he’d be back in plenty of time to pick them up and left.

The commons crawled with people. Girls, in little clusters were giggling with each other while their youngest siblings played chase between their legs. A long line had formed at the familiar circus gates.

Before Jozef, too, could place them in line, Henrik pulled at his sleeve. “Look, Panje Wawrzyniak! They’re selling candy! Can we have some?”

Before Jozef could answer, Maja bent down to her youngest brother. “All in good time, Henrik.  You’ll get your candy. First, we need to pay the entrance fee.” She took the two youngest by the hand and followed Jozef who had joined the end of the line.

Finally in the grounds, Karel and his mother joined them. The little boys got their candy on a stick, and the group went inside the tent to find their places.

Once again, Jozef found himself in the front row. Sylwia sat next to Karel and his mother, the three little boys came next, and then Jozef. Maja sat next to him on the other side.

The show started. The boys’ eyes grew wide in wonder at the entrance of the old elephant, and they forgot to finish their candy. The horses did their paces and delighted the children when they spelled out answers to the guests’ questions with their hooves. Jerzy, especially, was fascinated with the dogs, who could bark out a popular song.

Finally an elegant young man in tails entered the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “We will have a ten-minute break before the show goes on. Soon you will see the Flying Bufandos, and experience the marvels of our acrobats and other talented artists!”

The young man left the ring and talked to the citizens in the first row. Jozef wondered whether he was the manager. He watched his hands and sure enough, saw a wedding ring. That was it, then. Nina was married and out of his reach. He told himself to bury all hope, but nevertheless he hoped.

The man came to them. He took Maja’s hand and kissed it, never looking away from her face. “And how do you like our show, Madame?”

Maja’s voice sounded breathless as she answered. “It’s Mademoiselle. And I really love it. Thank you so much.”

Reluctantly the man let go of her hand and turned to Jozef, who assured him the show was great. He went on to the boys, who beleaguered him with questions.

Jozef wanted nothing more than to rise and leave. But he couldn’t do that to Konrad and his children, so he stayed.

23 -- Jozef Makes Plans

Maja reddened. “I mean, Mama is always feeling faint, and she doesn’t like to go to places like a circus. And Papa is always working. I bet they would be so glad if you’d accompany us children.”

Jozef hardly heard her. He stared at the poster. Maybe it was a different circus. Then he’d be delighted to take Konrad’s children. But no such luck. It was Circus Franzesco. Her circus. He turned to Maja, ignoring his thumping heart. “It’s all right. I’ll talk to your father, and we’ll go from there.” He pointed up the road. “I’ll have to go and talk to the mayor. I trust you will be all right with your sister and Karel?”

Still blushing, Maja nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

Karel and Sylwia finally noticed Maja and Jozef weren’t with them. They stopped, turned back, and rejoined them.

“Thank you so much for the pleasure of your company,” Jozef said. He bowed and left, his mind on his dilemma.

Jozef conducted his business with the mayor, and walked back home. Maybe if he conveniently ‘forgot’ to talk to Konrad, the family would make other arrangements and visit the circus without him. After all, he hadn’t been hired to become part of the family, even though, he suspected some of the family would like that.

The next few days passed, with Jozef tackling the complaints of the peasants in another, very small settlement. He loved working with these simple and unpretentious people. They always did what they could to help him dissolve the problems the old manager had left.

On Friday evening, however, a knock came on his door. He opened the door and Konrad stood before him, smiling.

Jozef bade him enter, and together they smoked a pipe and discussed the land.

Konrad took his pipe out of his mouth and smiled at Jozef. “All in all, my dear Panje Wawrzyniak, you’re doing a fantastic job. The peasants are happier, the discrepancies in the paperwork are solved, and it seems we’ll have a nice income this year. You can probably look forward to an extra bonus for Christmas.”

Jozef leaned back. “It doesn’t seem like work to me. I really enjoy working with the people, and the paperwork just seems to flow. I’m very happy here.”

Konrad nodded and took another puff on his pipe. “Do you think you could do me and my family a small favor this weekend? You’d enjoy it too, I’m sure.”

Oh no, Jozef thought. He’s probably going to ask me to take the children to the circus. Half of him recoiled at having to see Nina, who now belonged to another. But the other half was excited and delighted to see the woman who held his heart one more time. “What do you have in mind?” he asked Konrad.

“Would you take my little boys and the girls to the circus on Saturday? I really can’t get out of an obligation I have, and their mother is feeling poorly again. It will do her good to have the children out of the house for a while. That is, if you don’t have anything else planned.”

Before he could change his mind, Jozef said, “I’d love to. You’re children are so well behaved. I always enjoy being around them.”

Konrad rose. “That’s settled then.” He shook Jozef’s hand. “And, thank you so much.”

22 -- Jozef and Maja

Jozef and Maja walked along, following Karel and Sylwia. Maja glanced at him, eyes sparkling. “I think there’ll be a wedding in the family soon.”

“You may just be right,” Jozef answered. “I don’t know much about courting, considering, but it sure looks like that’s what your sister and Karel are doing.”

Maja grew earnest. “Actually, it’s always been tradition in our family that the daughters marry in order, the oldest one first.” She sighed.

Jozef didn’t know what to answer. He wasn’t a priest anymore, but he might as well have been when it came to such things. He decided the fatherly approach was best. “Don’t you have anyone special to you?”

Now she laughed out loud. “You’re not a priest anymore, Panje Wawrzyiniak, and I don’t have to tell you what’s in my heart.”

“That’s true,” he conceded.

“I wouldn’t, even if you still were.” She fell silent.

They had reached the town. Housewives with their shopping bags walked the sidewalks, and young children chased each other on the empty street. Oblivious to everything around them, Karel and Sylwia walked on.

But Maja stopped in front of a house wall, plastered with a red and yellow colored poster. “Oh, look! The circus is coming to town!”

Jozef’s heart stopped before resuming its furious beating. He would not go. He would not, could not subject himself to seeing her again, and as a free man to boost.

Unaware of the turmoil in his heart, Maja asked, “Would you accompany us to the circus this weekend, Panje Wawrzyiniak?”

21 -- The Priest Gives up His Priesthood

Two months later.

The sun shone into Jozef’s eyes. He woke, instantly remembering his changed state, as he had the last several days. Two weeks earlier, he and the bishop had come to an understanding, and Jozef had given up his calling as a priest. Even after these many days, it felt right. Once again he thought about having a family, but his heart wasn’t his to give away anymore. However, Maja was probably married by now, and even if she weren’t, he and Maja lived in two different worlds. She probably wouldn’t want him, a local man, even if she were still free.

He lay quietly, thinking. What his heart really desired, besides Maja, was a family. How nice it would be to have a loving wife and sons and daughters to play, laugh and spend time with. Now that he was not bound by the priesthood anymore, marriage could be a possibility. But was it fair to marry a woman while his heart belonged to another?

He shook off these depressing thoughts, rose and dressed in wholly unremarkable clothes. After breakfast, he finished the last of his paperwork on Konrad’s holdings to the west.

The late fall sun was still shining, and he decided to take a walk to the little town where most of Konrad’s peasants lived.

As he went on the path, admiring the red, green, and yellow foliage of the trees flanking the road, he caught up to three figures walking ahead of him. He squinted into the sun and recognized two as females, and one man. His stride being longer, he had caught up with them in a few minutes.

“Good morning, Fa…, Panje Wawrzyiniak,” Maja and Sylwia said in unison. The young man, Karel, bowed with a grin. Jozef had met him before. He came to see Sylwia, and everybody knew it.

Jozef doffed his hat and bowed. “Good morning to you, lovely ladies and gentleman. Where are you going, this early in the morning?”

Maja gave him her bright smile. “It’s such a beautiful day. We thought we’d take a walk to the village.”

Sylwia giggled. “She’s not telling you that the best seamstress lives there. We’ll probably visit her and look at her new material.”

Maja turned red.

Karel grinned. “And I’m out for a walk. But what better way to walk than with two beauties on each side?”

Jozef nodded. “How right you are.” He touched Maja’s shoulder. She was such a nice girl, even though she was almost past marrying age and a little heavy. She’d make a great wife to a lonely guy, and a wonderful mother one day. “It’s all right. You have the right to delight in beauty. Everybody does.”

“That’s for sure,” Karel said, but he never took his eyes off Sylwia’s.

Karel, Sylwia’s arm in his, walked on a little faster.

Jozef slowed down to give them some privacy. Maja matched his steps.

“Maybe I’ll have the seamstress make a new dress for my birthday next month,” she said.

More about these two tomorrow!

20 -- The Priest Meets Konrad's Daughter

A heavy-set lady entered, wearing a dress of the latest fashion and a delicate embroidered shawl. Three younger women came after her, one carrying a baby, and then three little boys. Konrad pointed to the older woman. “My wife, Marta Grazynia.”

Marta genuflected and Jozef bowed to her.

“And this is my eldest daughter, Maja Roza.”

Jozef stared at Maja. She was about his age and heavyset, like her mother. But her eyes! They were beautiful, a dark brown, set off with long black lashes. Her dark hair escaped her bonnet in tiny curls. Maja gave him a bright smile and his heart constricted at a memory. He shook the memory off and listened to Konrad.

“My eldest son, Manfred, isn’t here right now, but this is his wife and son, Asia and little Florian.” He turned to the other girl. “My younger daughter, Sylwia, and my other sons, Henrik, Jerzy, and Joachim.”

Introductions made, the family left.

Konrad led Jozef to the little house adjacent to the main building. A young man opened the door. “This is Mariusz, your man servant.” Marius glanced at him and bowed, then led them into the building.

They entered a small foyer from which several rooms led off. Konrad showed him a tiny kitchen. “One of our cook will prepare your meals. Mariusz will introduce you later and you can let them know your preferences.” He opened another door. A bed stood under a window, with a chest of drawers, a closet, and a nightstand near it. An easy chair stood at the foot of the bed.

Another room turned out to be a living room with a sofa and an easy chair, and the last room would be Jozef’s office. Konrad entered, sat down at the desk, and opened the ledger. For the next two hours, he showed Jozef the condition his lands were in and the problems he expected him to solve.

Jozef immersed himself in the project. Finally, this was something that would make a difference in other people’s lives. Not only his master, but also the peasants in town who were working for Konrad would be affected by the decisions Jozef would make. Being here felt right to Jozef.

19 -- The Priest Starts a New LIfe

Jozef looked out of the coach window at the vast wheat and oat fields that surrounded the estate home of Konrad Bukowski. The coach bumped along a wide path, flanked by apple and pear trees. Peasants working in the fields looked up and waved, probably recognizing the horses and the coat of arms on the coach, before returning to their tasks.

Judging from the smiles on their faces, Konrad must be a gentle master. The coachman pulled the horses up to the curb, pulled Jozef’s luggage from the top of the coach and bade him to exit. 

The butler led Jozef to a waiting room only a little less elegant than the bishop’s office. Tapestries decorated the wall, and a large fireplace sported a crackling and flickering fire. A tall, portly man entered. “Jozef Wawrzyniak?” He held out his hand.

Jozef nodded. “Yes. I come from the Bishop’s offices.”

“I know. I’m Konrad Bukowski. Welcome to my home.” He pointed to a lovely sofa covered in green velvet, that flanked the fireplace. Jozef sat down, in front of a gleaming cherry wood table.

Konrad took a seat on an upholstered chair opposite him and bent forward. “I need a manager, and you come highly recommended. But before I show you your new home and duties, I want to introduce you to my family.”

A maid entered, carrying a tray heaped with cheeses, bread, and two glasses of wine. Jozef hadn’t seen such good food since he had to leave his own home as a boy.

Konrad turned to the maid. “Basia, please tell my wife and children to come and meet the new manager.” He pointed to the tray Basia had placed onto the table between him and Jozef. “Help yourself. I gather you haven’t eaten a lot lately.”

“Thank you so much. You’re right, I am hungry.” He helped himself to a piece of bread and a chunk of cheese.

Konrad sipped on his wine and watched him. “Since you’re a priest, you have the skills and understanding to manage such a large estate as mine. And I can rely on your honesty. My last manager left me in a mess.”

The sound of footsteps came from beyond the door. Konrad rose. “But let’s leave that for later. Here’s my family.”

The door opened.

18 -- The Priest Receives a New Position

When Jozef rose the next morning, the feeling that his path in life did not include the priesthood grew even stronger. He dressed, preparing himself for a struggle with the bishop the. He would be reverential, he decided, but he would stick by his decision.

As before, the bishop sat in his chair behind the desk and smiled at Jozef. His eyes were warm and seemed to be understanding. “How do you feel today, my son?”

Jozef’s last doubts vaporized in the warmth of Bishop’s Majewski’s smile. “I feel fine.”

“Are you still determined to leave the priesthood?”

“I still feel that the priesthood is wrong for me. I’m needed somewhere else.”

“It may surprise you, my son, but I too, have prayed and fasted on your behalf. I’m not so sure about you leaving the priesthood, but I feel you need a change. One of my good friends needs a manager for his estate, and I think working for him for a few months might put your work for the church into a different light. If you’re willing, you can start working for my friend next week.”

“I’m willing to do that. I still feel I need to leave the priesthood, but I’ll submit to your wisdom and will wait. Do I need to return to my parish?”

“No need to. I’ll send out a new priest this afternoon.  You get your things ready. You’ll stay here until Monday, in fasting and prayer. I’ll introduce you to my friend Konrad Bukowski, and you’ll go with him on Monday. He has a little house ready for you on his estate, and he will make you familiar with your new duties. I will still expect you to wear your collar and behave in the manner that behooves a priest, understand?”

Jozef’s heart grew lighter. He might never see Nina again, but he felt the Bishop had made a good decision. Surely his new life on Panje Bukowski’s lands would bring him closer to what God had in mind for him.

He thanked the bishop, who also seemed relieved, and went to prepare for his new life.

17 -- The Priest Bares his Soul

Jozef hadn’t expected that question. After all, his search for confirmation had nothing to do with… Or did it?  He blurted out, “No… Yes… No!”

The old man smiled. “Oh, my son. This is one of the oldest tricks the adversary is playing on us men of God. A woman can confuse your mind and make you feel as if everything is wrong. Is that how you feel?”

“It isn’t like that at all. She was just traveling through. We talked a little. Also, she is engaged to be married and I will probably never see her again. The woman is not the reason I question my calling.”

“But you do have feelings for her, right?”

“Not like that. I don’t want her, I just want her to be happy. And she probably will be, without me.”

“Then how did you arrive at your crisis?”

“The more I celebrate mass and the other rites and try to be there for my parishioners, the more it feels wrong. Mass seems without purpose. It won’t save anyone. Confession makes no sense, since I will hear the same sins over and over again from the same parishioners. They never truly repent and change. I feel as if there has to be something else for me, something where I can make a difference in other people’s lives. I can’t make that difference as a priest.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

“For several months now. Sometimes I feel like screaming in the middle of saying the prayers.”

“Have you also lost your faith in God?”

“I have not. It feels to me that God is closely watching over me, wanting me to change my life and waiting for me to do something different.”

The bishop rose. “My son, spend this day and tomorrow in fasting and praying, and we’ll meet again on Tuesday morning at ten. It is possible that your feelings will have changed by then. If not, we’ll work together to find a solution for your problems.”

He dismissed Jozef.

16 --The Priest Meets the Bishop

The bishop was a skinny old man, dressed in the ritual gold and scarlet garments. Jozef entered his large office and looked around in wonder. The stone walls were paneled in warm oak wood. Tapestries depicting saints helping the poor hung behind the bishop’s desk and on the two side walls. A large window in the south wall let in the spring sunshine, which lit up the reds, greens and blues in the decorations.

Bishop Majewski sat down behind his desk and leaned forward, hands on the spotless blotter. “It must be something major that brings you all the way to the city, my son.”

 “It is. I don’t think I’m called to be a priest. It feels all wrong. I thought maybe Satan is tempting me, or the Lord is testing me, so I was going to wait it out. But as time passes, the feeling is getting stronger, not weaker.” Jozef crossed his arms in front of him. “I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do.”

The bishop watched him, even as he had finished speaking. Eventually he said, “Is there a woman?”

15 -- The Priest Goes on a Ride

It took Jozef almost a whole day to reach the nearby city and the bishop’s offices.

During the ride, the steady clop, clop, of his horse’s hooves soothed his mind. The horse whinnied softly, and his mind focused on his dilemma. Maybe he should reconsider. After all, there was no indication that Nina loved him. It seemed rather the opposite, since she was getting married in a few months. But somehow, this didn’t make as large a difference as he had thought. He would always love Nina, no matter what.

He passed a farmer and his wagon, loaded with summer hay, and smiled to himself. If he needed to sublimate his love for Nina anyway, why should he leave the priesthood? He had security there. he knew how to conduct the necessary rites and meetings. Also, he was reasonably good with his parishioners, even though at times, he had to bite his lip to suppress his impatience. To stay would be the safe way to go. Nina and her circus might show up once a year or so, but he could easily stay away.

Thinking about doing the rites and confessions year after year after year, the emptiness of such a life tore at his heart. He definitely did not feel a calling for the priesthood. Maybe the bishop could help him feel such a calling or at least clarify the path he needed to go.

Around noon, he stopped at a small guest house for some bread and cheese, then rode on. The sun was sinking behind the far off mountains to his side, when he rode through the outskirts of the city and knew his goal was close. He asked directions only once, and five minutes later arrived at the bishop’s residence.

The bishop’s secretary directed him to the stables where a groom took care of his horse. Then the secretary showed him to a room where he could freshen up and stay overnight. He would have his audience with the bishop the next day.

In his room, he put down his bag and sat on the bed. He decided to fast the rest of the day, to make his mind free for God to send him clear direction on what he needed to do.

14 -- The Priest Makes a Decision

As he walked home, his mind was churning. He still felt love for Nina, even more now that he had met her again and talked to her. He felt a need to protect her, to be with her, to have her with him forever. Without her, he did not feel whole.

He stopped at the door of his apartments, realizing she was the other half of him, his soul mate. Without her, he would not be complete. Such a love was not a temptation! It couldn’t have come from the adversary.

Jozef entered his apartments and fell into his easy chair, hardly aware of his surroundings, still trying to figure out what to do next.

If the love in his heart for Nina came from God, what did it mean? What did God want him to do about it?

He still had time to slip on his coat and go after her, confront her at the circus grounds, and confess his love for her, make her see that he was the one for her and not the other man. But what good would that do? He had nothing to offer her. Everything belonged to the church, his apartment, his work and his income. If he’d marry her, he’d lose everything, even the respect of the townspeople.

He couldn’t live in the circus with her. What could he do there? She would have to keep him, and that wasn’t right. As much as he wanted to, he could not go after her right now. First, he needed to straighten out his own life, and discover what God wanted for him, if it wasn’t the priesthood. He needed to talk to his bishop.

And if it was the right path for him, he needed to leave the church and learn a skill he could use to earn a living for a wife and a family.

Then he could find her, if it wasn’t too late, and take her home as his.

Decision made, he arranged his schedule so that he could be gone for a week to talk to the bishop.

13 -- The Priest and Nina Meet Again

Nina, in a green and white striped dress with a matching green hat, was leaning against the tree. She smiled as she saw him and stepped toward him. “No roller scooter this time, eh?”

He laughed. It was so good to be with her.  “No. Not this time. How do you feel about a walk in the woods?”

“I’d love to.”

Side by side they walked the path into the woods. Neither spoke. Jozef was aware of the birds singing in the trees, and of the woodsy smell of the foliage after the morning rain. But he was most aware of the soft rustling of Nina’s dress and of her hand next to his, not quite touching.

Finally he turned to her. “Have you always lived in the circus? Here in Poland?”

“I have. My family came to Poland when I was a baby. My father and the circus owner were friends. Father knew that life here would be so much better than it was in Africa.”

“I’m glad you like it here.”

“It’s my home now, even though father doesn’t like us to associate too much with the natives.”

Jozef laughed. “Well said! I guess we are the natives here, after all!” He grew serious. “You looked so sad when I met you when we were little.” And so very pretty at the same time, the thought, but didn’t say it. It wasn’t his to say.

“My mother had died a few months earlier, and everything was so messed up. Father ignored me and my brothers made me do all the work at home. I wasn’t their mother. I could hardly do it. And then you came and talked to me. It was as if you were an angel, sent from heaven to help me through this.”

She shrugged and stayed silent for several steps.

“I’m sorry.” Jozef didn’t know what else to say.

“Don’t be. That’s all over now. I’ll be married this winter, and my father and brothers will have to fend for themselves. And you have dedicated your life to be an angel like you were to me, to others.”

“I’m glad you’ll get married.” Jozef was surprised that he really meant it. “I hope you’ll be very happy. I will be thinking of you this winter.” He couldn’t keep a wistful tone out of his voice.

As if to change the subject, Nina asked, “Have you always felt a calling for the priesthood?”

The question caught Jozef by surprise. He’d never thought about it like that before. “I don’t know. I knew since I was very small that I would be a priest. That’s what a youngest son is destined for. I really don’t know whether I’ve felt a calling inside me. It seemed such a sure thing for me.”

Her earnest gaze seemed to search his heart. “Maybe you should ask God for a confirmation of your calling. I think every priest should have that, or he wouldn’t be a very good priest.”

“You’re so right. I will be looking for that surety deep within me. And I will find it, eventually. There are too many priests who don’t magnify their calling. I don’t want to be one of them.”

They walked on in silence. Jozef kept his mind a careful blank, concentrating on the sounds and sights of the woods.

Nina stopped. “I need to get back.”

“Okay.”

They turned and walked back. When they were close enough to see the tree, Nina slowed. “Thanks for listening. Thanks for everything,” she said. She stepped closer, took his hand in hers, and kissed the edge of his mouth. Jozef didn’t dare breathe or move.

She turned and walked away from him. He watched her round the bend by the tree. She was gone and Jozef stood in the cool embrace of the woods for several more minutes before he, too, left and went back to his small apartment behind the church.

12 -- The Priest Searches His Soul

After mass, Jozef , in his quarters, spent his time in prayer. He was desperately trying to clear his mind to God’s will. As he rose from his knees around 1:30, he still felt as confused as he had the last two days.

If God wanted him to do His work, to follow the path of priestly dedication to him then why did he feel so strongly for a mere tightrope dancer from the circus?

Why did he have to meet her in the first place, long before he started on the path of dedication to the church? Was it an early temptation from the adversary? But when he first met her, he had been but a boy with no sinful feelings at all. All he remembered was his love and admiration for a lonesome little elephant rider. Maybe meeting her that long ago had been a sign that the path of the priesthood was not for him, after all.

It was just too great a coincidence that he met her again, here, with his feelings for her still as strong. And still as pure, almost.

He had to see her again, if nothing else, just to figure out whether his feelings were a sham, whether he would be overwhelmed with desire for her or with possessiveness. These feelings would be of the devil then.

At the best, he’d still feel love for her. He would wish her the best in her journey with her new husband and know that he, Jozef, would never love another woman again. After that, his path would be clear and his soul searching done.

He took his collar and cassock off, dressed in an old shirt and suit, and went for a walk to the tree behind the church.

11 -- The Priest Hears Confession

Jozef checked the clock on the wall. It was time to get to the confession booth before Monday morning mass. He finished his breakfast, put on his surplice, and went to hear confession.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned,” came from the other side of the divider in the confessional. Jozef recognized the voice of the butcher’s eldest son. He listened to his sins, which had to do with impure thoughts about the neighbor’s girl and transgressions against his brothers. He absolved him and charged him so say eight Ave Maria’s for penance.

The young man left, and Jozef leaned back. No one else came. He checked the time. Another fifteen minutes and he’d have to do mass.

A shadow darkened the partiton. Jozef leaned forward.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned.” A female voice which he couldn’t place right away.

Automatically, he answered, “How long has it been since your last confession?”

A sigh. “Much too long.”

Suddenly Jozef didn’t know what to say. It couldn’t be Nina, could it?

The voice on the other side repeated the sentence. “Much too long. Why weren’t you there when we came back, as you had promised?”

“I couldn’t. I had the mumps and Mama wouldn’t let me leave my room for two weeks, for fear I’d pass it on to my bothers. When I was finally allowed to go outside again, the circus was gone.” He sighed. “But I did think about you all that time.”

“Oh. I thought you had forgotten. I really had fun that day.”

“I did too.” He didn’t know what else to say. He was a priest now, just as he had told her. This had to be the last time they’d see each other.

She saved him from saying anything else. “That was a long time ago. I don’t work with the elephant much anymore.”

“I noticed. You’re very good at the high wire.”

“I have to go. Anyway, I’m engaged to be married. I just wanted you to know.”

His heart constricted. He fought to keep his voice neutral as he said, “Congratulations. Who is the lucky man?”

“Our manager. His wife died. I’ll be the new mother for his two children. He’s really nice.”

“That sounds great. You’ll have a complete family. I wish you the very best. With all my heart.”

Silence on the other side. Finally she said, “We’re leaving tonight. I have some time this afternoon, around two o’clock.”

Jozef smiled to himself. “Did you see that large tree right behind the church? Right by it, there’s a path leading into the woods.”

“I noticed it. I have to go. Good bye, Jozef.”

He heard the rustling of women’s clothing and she was gone.

Jozef went to celebrate mass in front of the few people that had drifted into the church.

10 -- The Priest at Mass

The Catholic church at Gdansk, where some of my father's family comes from.

The next morning Jozef woke, feeling more centered than he had last night. Thank God, he whispered. As usual, he knelt by his bed and prayed the Paternoster, opening his heart for God’s will for him as he would conduct the mass this morning. Before he rose again, he added a little prayer of his own. He tried to keep his mind blank, just focusing on being able to do what God wanted him to do. “Father in heaven, preserve and protect me, and help me to magnify my calling. Take from me every temptation that will keep me from doing so. Amen.”

He got up, feeling that God had heard his unusual prayer, and got ready for the service. Before going into the church, he glanced at his homily and realized he had picked John 13:34-35 as his theme: A new commandment I give you: Love one another.

A shiver went down his spine. He would love the people God had entrusted to him, and would teach them to love each other. But somewhere deep down in his soul, he wondered about other kinds of love. He pulled his mind away from the image of a dark skinned beauty and started the service.

The church was well filled. The butcher sat with his wife and boys, and the mayor and his numerous family were in their assigned seats. A few pews in the back were empty, as usual.

He started his homily, his mind on St. John’s words and his heart full of love for his congregation. “St. John exhorts us, no he commands us to love one another,” he preached.

The doors of the church opened. He looked up. Three men and a woman walked into the church, outlined against the bright sunlight. They sat down in the last pew. Jozef turned back to his homily and stopped. He looked at the newcomers again. He didn’t know who the older one of the men was, but he recognized the two younger ones and the woman. The three men wore black suits. And Nina, yes, it was Nina, wore a large black hat that shadowed her wonderful eyes. She turned to one of the men and whispered something. He whispered back and she smiled. Jozef lost himself in her amazing smile.

A rustling in the front row brought him back to reality, and he realized he had stopped the homily for too long. “Love one another. That means you should be ready to forgive and forget.” His eyes returned to the woman in the back. Her black eyes stared at him, the expression inscrutable. Her full mouth was set in a firm line.

He looked back at his paper. “Hmmm. Forgive and forget.” He should forget. He had to. “No one is perfect…” He preached on, with only an occasional glance at the back pew.

He was almost finished when Nina bent toward the older man. He nodded and Nina rose and left the church.

Jozef suppressed a sigh of disappointment. At least this evening he could be sure she wouldn’t come, since the circus would perform for the last time tonight. Most of his congregation probably wouldn’t come, either. They’d be at the circus, admiring Nina, no the performances, one last time. Like some automaton, he finished the service.

The Priest -- 9

Now so many years later, Father Wawrzyniak sat next to the mayor in front of the circus ring, watching Nina and her brothers seemingly dance in thin air.

The performance ended, and once again Nina bowed, looking only at him with her amazing eyes. She didn’t smile.

Suddenly he had no desire to watch the rest of the performances. He had to get out of here, get some fresh air and a chance to get a hold of himself again.

Rising, he turned to the mayor. “I have such a headache. I need to go home. It would just get worse here.”

The mayor nodded and made room for Jozef so get to the aisle.

Outside, He took a deep breath and strode off, toward his home. The music of the circus band followed him like a hunting dog, fresh on his spoor. He shook off the thought.  Why was he so upset? She was just a girl he had met once over ten years ago. And what a strange girl she had been. He had no right to be affected by her after all these years. And, anyway, she might be married by now.

He strode past the butcher’s, not knowing where he was. He shouldn’t even think about whether she was married or not. It was none of his business. You’re a priest, Jozef, he reminded himself. You should be happy which that and not worry about a girl and whether she was married or not.

He entered his home, took off his cassock, and wrapped himself into his comfortable robe. He would forget about her in no time. One good night’s sleep, and she’d be gone from his mind. And, anyway, he had a homily to prepare for tomorrow.

He sat down at his desk and read over what he had prepared. His mind kept reverting to a summer day, a roller scooter, and a little brown girl. The image of the grown Nina kept imposing itself over the memory of the child. He’d thought she had been pretty then, but how much more beautiful had she grown since!

Finally he gave up. Luckily his sermon was pretty much finished. He would be fine with it tomorrow. He had a cup of tea, and went to bed, still fighting with memories.

The Priest -- 8

After breakfast, Jozef couldn’t wait to get away. He rode Leon’s scooter past the circus grounds and onto the grass surrounding the tree. The circus tent was already down, a mass of men busy rolling up the fabric. Others lugged masts and beams around, amidst yelling and shouting at each other.

 He arrived at the spot she had indicated, but Nina wasn’t in sight. He leaned the scooter against the tree without taking his eyes off the circus grounds. Maybe she had forgotten. Or she had just teased him, never intending to meet him here. Girls were like that. At least, his older brothers always said so. His heart heavy, he sat down and pulled out a blade of grass. It would have been so much fun to have a wild ride with her. Alone, it wouldn’t be half as good.

A shadow fell over him. He looked up, blinking into the sun.

She said, “Hello. Sorry I’m late.”

Jozef jumped up and stood, gazing at her. She looked so nice in a very unladylike pair of billowing pants under her dress. Her hair was combed back into the same curly bun as yesterday and held with the same pink bow. Her smile was even more amazing than he remembered.

“My dad and my brothers kept me busy.” She twirled a curl that had come loose from her bun. “But they finally went out to help with the tent. So here I am.”

“Great.” He turned to the scooter. “Look what I got. Have you ever ridden one of these?”

She shook her head. “No one in the circus has one. But I’ve seen them before.”

“Would you like to ride with me?”

He clapped her hands and nodded. “That would be so great!”

He picked up the scooter. “Let’s take a tour through the town first. The roads are smoother.” He held the scooter out to her. “Step onto the board here in front of me.”

She did.

“Now put your hands closer to the inside of the handlebars, so I can put mine onto the outside.” He stepped on behind her and coasted them to the road, where they took off.

They whizzed by the bakery and the butcher, being careful to avoid shoppers and the occasional carriages. One lady stopped and stared after them, mouth wide open.

Nina laughed out loud.

Finally Jozef took them back to the tree where they stopped. “Did you see that woman staring at us?” He laughed all over again.

But Nina didn’t join in. “People look at me like that a lot. That’s because I’m black and different from what they’re used to.”

“Oh. I thought they were surprised at how fast we went.”

Now she smiled. “Maybe it was both. Anyway, you never looked at me like that. That’s why I came.”

“But I was surprised when I saw you. At how pretty you are. My oldest brother already has a girlfriend, but I’ve never seen a girl as beautiful as you.”

She sat in the grass, leaning against the tree. “You really mean that.” Surprise swung in her voice.

Jozef dropped the scooter and joined her. “I have to go back soon. I’d be in so much trouble if my family would find out I met a girl. I’m supposed to become a priest when I grow up. I’ll never have a girlfriend or a wife.”

“I have to get back too. My father is very proud. He would beat me if he knew I met a local child. And a boy at that.” She giggled.

Jozef tore out another blade of grass. “You know, it’s not so bad being a priest. I don’t think I’d want a girlfriend, anyway.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, except for you.”

She kept looking at the grass, and he couldn’t read the expression on her face. Eventually she said, “We’re leaving right after noon. But I heard my father say that we’ll probably be back next year.”

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

“I’ll be looking for you. Don’t forget me.”

“I won’t. I brought you something.” He pulled his favorite stone, the shiny, blood-red one, out of his pocket. “Here. I found it near the stream that goes by our fields two years ago. It’s my favorite.”

She took it. “It’s beautiful. Are you sure you want to give it away?”

He nodded. “Yes. I saved it for something special. And that’s you.”

She laughed. “That’s the nicest gift I’ve ever had. And the nicest compliment.”

From the circus, a deep voice called, “Nina! Where are you?”

Nina got up. “I have to go.”

Jozef rose, too. She threw her arms around him, kissed him on the cheek, and stepped back. “Good bye.”

“Until next year,” he said, but she was already running toward the circus enclosure. She turned once, waved at him, and was gone.