15 -- The Priest Goes on a Ride

It took Jozef almost a whole day to reach the nearby city and the bishop’s offices.

During the ride, the steady clop, clop, of his horse’s hooves soothed his mind. The horse whinnied softly, and his mind focused on his dilemma. Maybe he should reconsider. After all, there was no indication that Nina loved him. It seemed rather the opposite, since she was getting married in a few months. But somehow, this didn’t make as large a difference as he had thought. He would always love Nina, no matter what.

He passed a farmer and his wagon, loaded with summer hay, and smiled to himself. If he needed to sublimate his love for Nina anyway, why should he leave the priesthood? He had security there. he knew how to conduct the necessary rites and meetings. Also, he was reasonably good with his parishioners, even though at times, he had to bite his lip to suppress his impatience. To stay would be the safe way to go. Nina and her circus might show up once a year or so, but he could easily stay away.

Thinking about doing the rites and confessions year after year after year, the emptiness of such a life tore at his heart. He definitely did not feel a calling for the priesthood. Maybe the bishop could help him feel such a calling or at least clarify the path he needed to go.

Around noon, he stopped at a small guest house for some bread and cheese, then rode on. The sun was sinking behind the far off mountains to his side, when he rode through the outskirts of the city and knew his goal was close. He asked directions only once, and five minutes later arrived at the bishop’s residence.

The bishop’s secretary directed him to the stables where a groom took care of his horse. Then the secretary showed him to a room where he could freshen up and stay overnight. He would have his audience with the bishop the next day.

In his room, he put down his bag and sat on the bed. He decided to fast the rest of the day, to make his mind free for God to send him clear direction on what he needed to do.

14 -- The Priest Makes a Decision

As he walked home, his mind was churning. He still felt love for Nina, even more now that he had met her again and talked to her. He felt a need to protect her, to be with her, to have her with him forever. Without her, he did not feel whole.

He stopped at the door of his apartments, realizing she was the other half of him, his soul mate. Without her, he would not be complete. Such a love was not a temptation! It couldn’t have come from the adversary.

Jozef entered his apartments and fell into his easy chair, hardly aware of his surroundings, still trying to figure out what to do next.

If the love in his heart for Nina came from God, what did it mean? What did God want him to do about it?

He still had time to slip on his coat and go after her, confront her at the circus grounds, and confess his love for her, make her see that he was the one for her and not the other man. But what good would that do? He had nothing to offer her. Everything belonged to the church, his apartment, his work and his income. If he’d marry her, he’d lose everything, even the respect of the townspeople.

He couldn’t live in the circus with her. What could he do there? She would have to keep him, and that wasn’t right. As much as he wanted to, he could not go after her right now. First, he needed to straighten out his own life, and discover what God wanted for him, if it wasn’t the priesthood. He needed to talk to his bishop.

And if it was the right path for him, he needed to leave the church and learn a skill he could use to earn a living for a wife and a family.

Then he could find her, if it wasn’t too late, and take her home as his.

Decision made, he arranged his schedule so that he could be gone for a week to talk to the bishop.

11 -- The Priest Hears Confession

Jozef checked the clock on the wall. It was time to get to the confession booth before Monday morning mass. He finished his breakfast, put on his surplice, and went to hear confession.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned,” came from the other side of the divider in the confessional. Jozef recognized the voice of the butcher’s eldest son. He listened to his sins, which had to do with impure thoughts about the neighbor’s girl and transgressions against his brothers. He absolved him and charged him so say eight Ave Maria’s for penance.

The young man left, and Jozef leaned back. No one else came. He checked the time. Another fifteen minutes and he’d have to do mass.

A shadow darkened the partiton. Jozef leaned forward.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned.” A female voice which he couldn’t place right away.

Automatically, he answered, “How long has it been since your last confession?”

A sigh. “Much too long.”

Suddenly Jozef didn’t know what to say. It couldn’t be Nina, could it?

The voice on the other side repeated the sentence. “Much too long. Why weren’t you there when we came back, as you had promised?”

“I couldn’t. I had the mumps and Mama wouldn’t let me leave my room for two weeks, for fear I’d pass it on to my bothers. When I was finally allowed to go outside again, the circus was gone.” He sighed. “But I did think about you all that time.”

“Oh. I thought you had forgotten. I really had fun that day.”

“I did too.” He didn’t know what else to say. He was a priest now, just as he had told her. This had to be the last time they’d see each other.

She saved him from saying anything else. “That was a long time ago. I don’t work with the elephant much anymore.”

“I noticed. You’re very good at the high wire.”

“I have to go. Anyway, I’m engaged to be married. I just wanted you to know.”

His heart constricted. He fought to keep his voice neutral as he said, “Congratulations. Who is the lucky man?”

“Our manager. His wife died. I’ll be the new mother for his two children. He’s really nice.”

“That sounds great. You’ll have a complete family. I wish you the very best. With all my heart.”

Silence on the other side. Finally she said, “We’re leaving tonight. I have some time this afternoon, around two o’clock.”

Jozef smiled to himself. “Did you see that large tree right behind the church? Right by it, there’s a path leading into the woods.”

“I noticed it. I have to go. Good bye, Jozef.”

He heard the rustling of women’s clothing and she was gone.

Jozef went to celebrate mass in front of the few people that had drifted into the church.

The Priest -- 8

After breakfast, Jozef couldn’t wait to get away. He rode Leon’s scooter past the circus grounds and onto the grass surrounding the tree. The circus tent was already down, a mass of men busy rolling up the fabric. Others lugged masts and beams around, amidst yelling and shouting at each other.

 He arrived at the spot she had indicated, but Nina wasn’t in sight. He leaned the scooter against the tree without taking his eyes off the circus grounds. Maybe she had forgotten. Or she had just teased him, never intending to meet him here. Girls were like that. At least, his older brothers always said so. His heart heavy, he sat down and pulled out a blade of grass. It would have been so much fun to have a wild ride with her. Alone, it wouldn’t be half as good.

A shadow fell over him. He looked up, blinking into the sun.

She said, “Hello. Sorry I’m late.”

Jozef jumped up and stood, gazing at her. She looked so nice in a very unladylike pair of billowing pants under her dress. Her hair was combed back into the same curly bun as yesterday and held with the same pink bow. Her smile was even more amazing than he remembered.

“My dad and my brothers kept me busy.” She twirled a curl that had come loose from her bun. “But they finally went out to help with the tent. So here I am.”

“Great.” He turned to the scooter. “Look what I got. Have you ever ridden one of these?”

She shook her head. “No one in the circus has one. But I’ve seen them before.”

“Would you like to ride with me?”

He clapped her hands and nodded. “That would be so great!”

He picked up the scooter. “Let’s take a tour through the town first. The roads are smoother.” He held the scooter out to her. “Step onto the board here in front of me.”

She did.

“Now put your hands closer to the inside of the handlebars, so I can put mine onto the outside.” He stepped on behind her and coasted them to the road, where they took off.

They whizzed by the bakery and the butcher, being careful to avoid shoppers and the occasional carriages. One lady stopped and stared after them, mouth wide open.

Nina laughed out loud.

Finally Jozef took them back to the tree where they stopped. “Did you see that woman staring at us?” He laughed all over again.

But Nina didn’t join in. “People look at me like that a lot. That’s because I’m black and different from what they’re used to.”

“Oh. I thought they were surprised at how fast we went.”

Now she smiled. “Maybe it was both. Anyway, you never looked at me like that. That’s why I came.”

“But I was surprised when I saw you. At how pretty you are. My oldest brother already has a girlfriend, but I’ve never seen a girl as beautiful as you.”

She sat in the grass, leaning against the tree. “You really mean that.” Surprise swung in her voice.

Jozef dropped the scooter and joined her. “I have to go back soon. I’d be in so much trouble if my family would find out I met a girl. I’m supposed to become a priest when I grow up. I’ll never have a girlfriend or a wife.”

“I have to get back too. My father is very proud. He would beat me if he knew I met a local child. And a boy at that.” She giggled.

Jozef tore out another blade of grass. “You know, it’s not so bad being a priest. I don’t think I’d want a girlfriend, anyway.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, except for you.”

She kept looking at the grass, and he couldn’t read the expression on her face. Eventually she said, “We’re leaving right after noon. But I heard my father say that we’ll probably be back next year.”

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

“I’ll be looking for you. Don’t forget me.”

“I won’t. I brought you something.” He pulled his favorite stone, the shiny, blood-red one, out of his pocket. “Here. I found it near the stream that goes by our fields two years ago. It’s my favorite.”

She took it. “It’s beautiful. Are you sure you want to give it away?”

He nodded. “Yes. I saved it for something special. And that’s you.”

She laughed. “That’s the nicest gift I’ve ever had. And the nicest compliment.”

From the circus, a deep voice called, “Nina! Where are you?”

Nina got up. “I have to go.”

Jozef rose, too. She threw her arms around him, kissed him on the cheek, and stepped back. “Good bye.”

“Until next year,” he said, but she was already running toward the circus enclosure. She turned once, waved at him, and was gone.

The Priest -- 2

I imagine Jozef to have looked a lot like this priest, even though he lived many years earlier.

Dressed in his black cassock, Jozef walked along the sidewalk. A few horse-drawn carriages passed him, but most of the town’s population was walking, just like him.

The butcher came from his living quarters next to his shop, followed by his wife and four children. He saw Jozef and bowed. “Good evening Father.”

Another family Jozef couldn’t yet place joined them, and all six children from both families called, “Good evening, father,” in unison.

Jozef waved, smiled and answered the greetings directed to him. As the people walked they talked and laughed, with fidgety children chasing each other up and down the sidewalk.

What a festive way to get to know my flock, Jozef thought.

He rounded a corner into the town’s commons. In the golden light of the setting sun, the place before him had changed into a wonderland.

Jozef stopped before the fence that separated the large tent from the crowd milling about. Two men, one dressed in a bright green costume with a darker hat and matching shoes, which curled at the tips, the other in a similar, but yellow outfit, flanked the entrance to the tent. The one in green called, “Come on in and watch Europe’s greatest artists at work! See Millie the elephant stand on a tiny little stool! Experience acrobats flying through the air like birds, dancers defy gravity! Come one, come all!”

The local population crowded at the entrance, paying their Zloty to the man in yellow and disappearing into the tent.

Reverently, the crowd thinned for Jozef, letting him go first. He paid and entered the dusky tent.

When his eyes got adjusted to the light from the brightly burning torches along all the struts and sides, he realized someone was waving at him. “Father, come on over here,” the mayor called.

Jozef made his way toward the ring in the center of the tent and the skinny old man and his numerous family in front of it.

“We still have room for another,” his wife, as skinny and shriveled up as her husband, said. She turned to the young couple next to her. “Make room for the Father!”

Jozef sat down, close to one of the torches, which warmed his side and lit the mayor’s family with its glow.

One man in his thirties, probably one of the mayor’s sons – the resemblance was great – reminded Jozef of his oldest brother Januz. Being the oldest, Januz had been lucky. He inherited most of their father’s estate after his death. Jozef, as the youngest, had been groomed for the priesthood from childhood. Not that he minded, even though it would have been nice to have a family. At least, being a priest, he had a good income and the respect of the people that would eventually become his family.

A drum roll brought him back to the present, and he lost himself in the spectacle of the yearly circus show.

***

Something is going to happen as Jozef watches the show, but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out what!

Baby Shower, Last Part

Friday afternoon, I glanced into the mirror without enthusiasm. Who cared what I looked like, anyway? I was fat and ungainly. I waddled, and the lipstick I had applied underscored the blotches on my skin. I wondered if these women would make fun of me.

Peggy was the first to arrive. She brought a large package, wrapped in blue and green paper with tiny yellow cars and trains printed on it. Mother Towne took the present and put it onto the coffee table. Soon other women arrived, each bringing presents. The gaily colored heap on the table lightened my mood, and Peggy’s friendly, cheerful chatter made me feel wanted and appreciated. I didn’t understand everything she said, but when we started talking about the babies and our pregnancies, I understood most. 

Women surrounded me, several of them my husband’s cousins. They complimented me on my English (which wasn’t so good), on my clothes (which made me look like a butterball), and on my hair (which was stringy).  My dark mood lifted and I returned the friendly smiles of my new cousins and friends.

Mother Towne had come up with simple games. Everybody cut a piece of string to guess how big my belly was. Peggy came the closest and won a small prize, a pair of earrings. For another game, we had to come up with baby-related words for every letter in my name. I couldn’t finish that game, but it didn’t matter. Everybody was laughing and talking.

When the games were over, I sat on a chair in the middle of the room and opened the presents. I received several packages of disposable diapers. Other presents held little boy suits in blue, yellow and green, and booties (a new word I learned,) bibs, bottles, and blankets. The American blankets were lovely, soft and pastel colored.

Mother Towne wrote down everybody’s presents so I could send a thank you note later, and then little sandwiches beckoned with cheeses and meats.

My heart grew lighter. This new place would be my and my child’s home, and it was good to be here.

Later I packed away my new treasures next to the things that had come from Germany. I realized that my life from now on would be just like the baby things in the drawer, a mix of the good things I had brought from Germany, added to the good things I acquired right here, in Colorado.

The Baby Shower, Part 2

After church we drove home along a wide street flanked by low, stretched-out buildings. which looked like I had landed in a Wild West movie set. We were home in no time, and I wondered why we hadn’t walked. True, it was March and snow still crowded the mostly snow-free streets, but it hadn’t been that far. In Germany, no on would drive such a short way. But I wasn’t in Germany anymore, and my baby would be born here. Which reminded me of the baby shower. I’d never hear of parties for people who had babies before. In Germany, after the baby was born, friends would stop by with a present, but not before, and not with a party.

Before I came to Colorado, I didn’t know what life would be like in the United States, and I wanted to be prepared, so I had mailed the baby clothes my sister had given me from her toddler to my future home. Also, I thought having baby clothes from home would make it seem as if I were still there, not in a strange country, cut off from my three sisters and my mother.

My thoughts returned to the baby shower. At my in-laws’ home we exited the car. I turned to Verna. “The people who come will bring presents? Are they for the baby or for the mother?” I asked.

Mother Towne turned into the driveway. She said, “They are for the baby, so you are prepared in case he comes early. And, don’t worry. You will have fun.”

But my sisters wouldn’t be there and my mother couldn’t attend the birth. I wondered if I ever again would have fun.

When I decided to follow Gary to his country, I had been full of enthusiasm. I knew I would be happy in Colorado, and my child would grow up to be an American. But now all of it felt wrong. I was living with strangers in a strange land, and Gary wasn’t there to comfort me. I wished I were home.

Baby Shower, Part One

I stood next to Verna in the foyer of the small LDS church, so different from the old majestic stone churches I was used to in Germany, and smoothed the maternity top over my protruding belly. Three older women came up to us, talking to my new mother-in-law, who introduced me to her friends. While they talked, I wondered what I was doing here, thousands of miles away from my own family, with my husband gone to New Jersey to finish the final months of his stay in the Army.

He wouldn’t be here for the birth of our child. I blinked my suddenly smarting eyes to keep in the tears. A vast homesickness settled over me, for the familiar things I had left behind when I followed my husband to this strange place in the Wild West of the United States.

A young woman, about my age, and also visibly pregnant, stopped us on the way out. Mother Towne introduced her as Peggy.

Peggy shook my hand and said, “I’m looking forward to coming to your baby shower on Friday.”

I was confused. Maybe I had misunderstood? I had immigrated from Germany just three weeks ago, six months pregnant. I didn’t always understand everything in this strange language. Trying to make sense of what Peggy had said, I answered, “Baby shower? Do you mean to wash the baby? Or to show it? The baby isn’t born yet.”

Peggy joined my mother-in-law in laughter. “It’s like a party. Everybody brings a present and we’ll have games and things to eat.”

A party was the last thing on my mind. I pasted a smile onto my face and said, “Thank you.”

Verna searched my face. “It will be fun, you’ll see.”

I nodded, not believing her.

I'll tell you more tomorrow!

Attending Church in Colorado

Before Gary left for New Jersey and the last four months of his stint in the army, he took me to church. Again, I returned to Gary’s parents’ house culture shocked. In Germany, church is hushed and quiet. Nobody speaks to anyone, and children are either left at home or taken out as soon as they make a noise. When I was young, I often went to church services in the old stone cathedrals, or at least in a large stone building, heavy and dark and intimidating. Most of the churches in Germany are centuries old, and they are trying to show the believers how insignificant they are and how great and unapproachable God is.

However, here in the States, the bright, wooden chapel seemed almost like an afterthought, just somewhere the congregation can safely and comfortably meet. People actually laughed when the preacher said something funny. It seemed faintly sacrilegious, but I liked it. Maybe these Americans have it right and God has a sense of humor, I thought. I might as well like their strange, new ways. After all, I had adopted this country as my new home, and would probably live here for the rest of my life. 

 At that time, the Mancos LDS Church looked similar to this one

After the service, Gary introduced me to the Bishop. When the Bishop heard that I would be alone with the older Mr. Towne in a country I didn’t know, he shook my hand and told me to be sure and come to church. He’d have some of the Relief Society ladies visit and help me out.

Gary had dinner with his father and me, and then he had to leave. He assured me I would be fine, and he’d call as soon as he’d arrive at his post. There was no helping it, he had to leave and I had to stay here, in a place I hardly knew, with an older man who was a stranger to me and a mother-in-law in the hospital.

More tomorrow!