Jozef hadn’t expected that question. After all, his search
for confirmation had nothing to do with… Or did it? He blurted out, “No… Yes… No!”
The old man smiled. “Oh, my son. This is one of the oldest
tricks the adversary is playing on us men of God. A woman can confuse your mind
and make you feel as if everything is wrong. Is that how you feel?”
“It isn’t like that at all. She was just traveling through.
We talked a little. Also, she is engaged to be married and I will probably
never see her again. The woman is not the reason I question my calling.”
“But you do have feelings for her, right?”
“Not like that. I don’t want her, I just want her to be
happy. And she probably will be, without me.”
“Then how did you arrive at your crisis?”
“The more I celebrate mass and the other rites and try to be
there for my parishioners, the more it feels wrong. Mass seems without purpose.
It won’t save anyone. Confession makes no sense, since I will hear the same
sins over and over again from the same parishioners. They never truly repent
and change. I feel as if there has to be something else for me, something where
I can make a difference in other people’s lives. I can’t make that difference
as a priest.”
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“For several months now. Sometimes I feel like screaming in
the middle of saying the prayers.”
“Have you also lost your faith in God?”
“I have not. It feels to me that God is closely watching
over me, wanting me to change my life and waiting for me to do something
different.”
The bishop rose. “My son, spend this day and tomorrow in
fasting and praying, and we’ll meet again on Tuesday morning at ten. It is
possible that your feelings will have changed by then. If not, we’ll work
together to find a solution for your problems.”
He dismissed Jozef.
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