Finding Michael - 5

 Michael and Vati as I remembered them

Christmas was getting closer. I thought maybe I should send Michael a package, even if he didn’t want to see me, or my husband and I could go see him, just get there unannounced.

But I reconsidered and tried calling one more time. At the very least, his caseworker could let me know what Michael needed or wanted and I would send him a Christmas present. This time, a different, friendlier, man talked to me.

“Why do you want to see Michael?” he asked, and I explained all over again that I was his sister, come from America, and hadn’t seen him for almost forty years. “If he doesn’t want to see me, I’ll understand,” I said. “But maybe you could tell me what he would like to have for Christmas, and I could send him a package.”

“Why don’t you give me your number,” the man said. “I’ll forward it to Michael, and if he wants to talk to you, I’ll make sure he will. If he doesn’t, I’ll call you within the next two hours or so.”

Not holding a lot of hope, I gave him my phone number, and the waiting started again.

When the phone rang two hours later, I knew it would be Michael. I had no doubt. I answered, and the same friendly voice said, “Hold on a minute, Mrs. Herbert. Your brother wants to talk to you.”

Michael sounded nervous and excited. When I asked him if I could visit him, and we could go out to have some coffee and cake, he told me he didn’t drink any alcohol or coffee, and needed to watch what he eats. “But you can come and visit me in my home, and I’ll have some Christmas cake for you. For an hour or so,” he added, and I knew he was wondering how I would treat him.

We made out a time the next Sunday, and hung up. All that week, I worried about what to talk to Michael about. I decided not to ask him anything about his past. That was for him to bring up. Finally I selected some photos of my children, and some old photos of Michael, and decided to tell him all about the States.

26 -- Jozef Returns from the Circus

Finally the show was over, and the three excited little boys burst out of the tent and into the late afternoon sunshine, closely followed by their two sisters, Karel, and a very upset Jozef.

Outside, on the circus grounds, the boys stopped short at the sight of the old elephant and the sign that was attached to a caravan next to the animal. An old, but familiar sign, announcing cheap elephant rides. For a moment, Jozef was a little boy again, foregoing the delight of such a ride just so he could talk to the prettiest creature he’d ever seen.

A voice took him out of his reverie. “Panje Wawrzyniak?” The oldest one of the boys tugged on his arm. “Maja said we could ride the elephant. Can we?”

In spite of himself, Jozef had to laugh. “Yes, you can.”

A line had already formed and the boys joined it, with their sisters and Jozef right behind them. Maja seemed skittish and unfocused. She said, “Can you make sure they get their ride, Panje Wawrzyniak? I want to look around a little.”

“No problem,” Jozef said. He also wanted to look around, wanted to find Nina, but he could not see her anywhere.

They had reached the head of the line. Jozef paid for the boys and made sure they were securely settled. Amidst shrieks of laughter, they let the elephant make its rounds with them.

Jozef stepped back, again searching for Nina. He saw Maja in the shadow of one of the caravan cages, talking to a slim young man and smiling up at him. He seemed familiar, but Jozef couldn’t place him. And it really didn’t matter. Probably a young man from another wealthy family in the area. The man smiled back at Maja and touched her hand. Good for her. Maybe she had finally found a suitor. He dismissed her from his mind, still looking for Nina, but couldn’t find her, neither deeper in the compound between the cages and caravans, nor among the crowds still milling around in the circus enclosure.

The boys were finished with their ride and Maja rejoined them just as the small group got ready to leave the circus compound. Their coachman was already waiting with the coach, the horses snorting impatiently. The boys filed in without taking a break in their excited retelling of what they had liked best in the circus. With one last, longing look at the circus, Jozef followed after the girls, and the family returned to the estate.

24 -- Jozef at the Circus Once Again

 Konrad sent them all off in the large coach. The three young boys couldn’t sit still during the ride. They had never seen a circus before.  Their sisters kept scolding them, and for a few minutes they’d be quiet.

Jozef watched them and kept remembering his first time at the circus. His heart beat just as expectantly as those of the boys.

They arrived at the circus grounds and piled out of the coach. The coachman assured them he’d be back in plenty of time to pick them up and left.

The commons crawled with people. Girls, in little clusters were giggling with each other while their youngest siblings played chase between their legs. A long line had formed at the familiar circus gates.

Before Jozef, too, could place them in line, Henrik pulled at his sleeve. “Look, Panje Wawrzyniak! They’re selling candy! Can we have some?”

Before Jozef could answer, Maja bent down to her youngest brother. “All in good time, Henrik.  You’ll get your candy. First, we need to pay the entrance fee.” She took the two youngest by the hand and followed Jozef who had joined the end of the line.

Finally in the grounds, Karel and his mother joined them. The little boys got their candy on a stick, and the group went inside the tent to find their places.

Once again, Jozef found himself in the front row. Sylwia sat next to Karel and his mother, the three little boys came next, and then Jozef. Maja sat next to him on the other side.

The show started. The boys’ eyes grew wide in wonder at the entrance of the old elephant, and they forgot to finish their candy. The horses did their paces and delighted the children when they spelled out answers to the guests’ questions with their hooves. Jerzy, especially, was fascinated with the dogs, who could bark out a popular song.

Finally an elegant young man in tails entered the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “We will have a ten-minute break before the show goes on. Soon you will see the Flying Bufandos, and experience the marvels of our acrobats and other talented artists!”

The young man left the ring and talked to the citizens in the first row. Jozef wondered whether he was the manager. He watched his hands and sure enough, saw a wedding ring. That was it, then. Nina was married and out of his reach. He told himself to bury all hope, but nevertheless he hoped.

The man came to them. He took Maja’s hand and kissed it, never looking away from her face. “And how do you like our show, Madame?”

Maja’s voice sounded breathless as she answered. “It’s Mademoiselle. And I really love it. Thank you so much.”

Reluctantly the man let go of her hand and turned to Jozef, who assured him the show was great. He went on to the boys, who beleaguered him with questions.

Jozef wanted nothing more than to rise and leave. But he couldn’t do that to Konrad and his children, so he stayed.

23 -- Jozef Makes Plans

Maja reddened. “I mean, Mama is always feeling faint, and she doesn’t like to go to places like a circus. And Papa is always working. I bet they would be so glad if you’d accompany us children.”

Jozef hardly heard her. He stared at the poster. Maybe it was a different circus. Then he’d be delighted to take Konrad’s children. But no such luck. It was Circus Franzesco. Her circus. He turned to Maja, ignoring his thumping heart. “It’s all right. I’ll talk to your father, and we’ll go from there.” He pointed up the road. “I’ll have to go and talk to the mayor. I trust you will be all right with your sister and Karel?”

Still blushing, Maja nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

Karel and Sylwia finally noticed Maja and Jozef weren’t with them. They stopped, turned back, and rejoined them.

“Thank you so much for the pleasure of your company,” Jozef said. He bowed and left, his mind on his dilemma.

Jozef conducted his business with the mayor, and walked back home. Maybe if he conveniently ‘forgot’ to talk to Konrad, the family would make other arrangements and visit the circus without him. After all, he hadn’t been hired to become part of the family, even though, he suspected some of the family would like that.

The next few days passed, with Jozef tackling the complaints of the peasants in another, very small settlement. He loved working with these simple and unpretentious people. They always did what they could to help him dissolve the problems the old manager had left.

On Friday evening, however, a knock came on his door. He opened the door and Konrad stood before him, smiling.

Jozef bade him enter, and together they smoked a pipe and discussed the land.

Konrad took his pipe out of his mouth and smiled at Jozef. “All in all, my dear Panje Wawrzyniak, you’re doing a fantastic job. The peasants are happier, the discrepancies in the paperwork are solved, and it seems we’ll have a nice income this year. You can probably look forward to an extra bonus for Christmas.”

Jozef leaned back. “It doesn’t seem like work to me. I really enjoy working with the people, and the paperwork just seems to flow. I’m very happy here.”

Konrad nodded and took another puff on his pipe. “Do you think you could do me and my family a small favor this weekend? You’d enjoy it too, I’m sure.”

Oh no, Jozef thought. He’s probably going to ask me to take the children to the circus. Half of him recoiled at having to see Nina, who now belonged to another. But the other half was excited and delighted to see the woman who held his heart one more time. “What do you have in mind?” he asked Konrad.

“Would you take my little boys and the girls to the circus on Saturday? I really can’t get out of an obligation I have, and their mother is feeling poorly again. It will do her good to have the children out of the house for a while. That is, if you don’t have anything else planned.”

Before he could change his mind, Jozef said, “I’d love to. You’re children are so well behaved. I always enjoy being around them.”

Konrad rose. “That’s settled then.” He shook Jozef’s hand. “And, thank you so much.”

The Priest -- 9

Now so many years later, Father Wawrzyniak sat next to the mayor in front of the circus ring, watching Nina and her brothers seemingly dance in thin air.

The performance ended, and once again Nina bowed, looking only at him with her amazing eyes. She didn’t smile.

Suddenly he had no desire to watch the rest of the performances. He had to get out of here, get some fresh air and a chance to get a hold of himself again.

Rising, he turned to the mayor. “I have such a headache. I need to go home. It would just get worse here.”

The mayor nodded and made room for Jozef so get to the aisle.

Outside, He took a deep breath and strode off, toward his home. The music of the circus band followed him like a hunting dog, fresh on his spoor. He shook off the thought.  Why was he so upset? She was just a girl he had met once over ten years ago. And what a strange girl she had been. He had no right to be affected by her after all these years. And, anyway, she might be married by now.

He strode past the butcher’s, not knowing where he was. He shouldn’t even think about whether she was married or not. It was none of his business. You’re a priest, Jozef, he reminded himself. You should be happy which that and not worry about a girl and whether she was married or not.

He entered his home, took off his cassock, and wrapped himself into his comfortable robe. He would forget about her in no time. One good night’s sleep, and she’d be gone from his mind. And, anyway, he had a homily to prepare for tomorrow.

He sat down at his desk and read over what he had prepared. His mind kept reverting to a summer day, a roller scooter, and a little brown girl. The image of the grown Nina kept imposing itself over the memory of the child. He’d thought she had been pretty then, but how much more beautiful had she grown since!

Finally he gave up. Luckily his sermon was pretty much finished. He would be fine with it tomorrow. He had a cup of tea, and went to bed, still fighting with memories.

The Priest -- 8

After breakfast, Jozef couldn’t wait to get away. He rode Leon’s scooter past the circus grounds and onto the grass surrounding the tree. The circus tent was already down, a mass of men busy rolling up the fabric. Others lugged masts and beams around, amidst yelling and shouting at each other.

 He arrived at the spot she had indicated, but Nina wasn’t in sight. He leaned the scooter against the tree without taking his eyes off the circus grounds. Maybe she had forgotten. Or she had just teased him, never intending to meet him here. Girls were like that. At least, his older brothers always said so. His heart heavy, he sat down and pulled out a blade of grass. It would have been so much fun to have a wild ride with her. Alone, it wouldn’t be half as good.

A shadow fell over him. He looked up, blinking into the sun.

She said, “Hello. Sorry I’m late.”

Jozef jumped up and stood, gazing at her. She looked so nice in a very unladylike pair of billowing pants under her dress. Her hair was combed back into the same curly bun as yesterday and held with the same pink bow. Her smile was even more amazing than he remembered.

“My dad and my brothers kept me busy.” She twirled a curl that had come loose from her bun. “But they finally went out to help with the tent. So here I am.”

“Great.” He turned to the scooter. “Look what I got. Have you ever ridden one of these?”

She shook her head. “No one in the circus has one. But I’ve seen them before.”

“Would you like to ride with me?”

He clapped her hands and nodded. “That would be so great!”

He picked up the scooter. “Let’s take a tour through the town first. The roads are smoother.” He held the scooter out to her. “Step onto the board here in front of me.”

She did.

“Now put your hands closer to the inside of the handlebars, so I can put mine onto the outside.” He stepped on behind her and coasted them to the road, where they took off.

They whizzed by the bakery and the butcher, being careful to avoid shoppers and the occasional carriages. One lady stopped and stared after them, mouth wide open.

Nina laughed out loud.

Finally Jozef took them back to the tree where they stopped. “Did you see that woman staring at us?” He laughed all over again.

But Nina didn’t join in. “People look at me like that a lot. That’s because I’m black and different from what they’re used to.”

“Oh. I thought they were surprised at how fast we went.”

Now she smiled. “Maybe it was both. Anyway, you never looked at me like that. That’s why I came.”

“But I was surprised when I saw you. At how pretty you are. My oldest brother already has a girlfriend, but I’ve never seen a girl as beautiful as you.”

She sat in the grass, leaning against the tree. “You really mean that.” Surprise swung in her voice.

Jozef dropped the scooter and joined her. “I have to go back soon. I’d be in so much trouble if my family would find out I met a girl. I’m supposed to become a priest when I grow up. I’ll never have a girlfriend or a wife.”

“I have to get back too. My father is very proud. He would beat me if he knew I met a local child. And a boy at that.” She giggled.

Jozef tore out another blade of grass. “You know, it’s not so bad being a priest. I don’t think I’d want a girlfriend, anyway.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, except for you.”

She kept looking at the grass, and he couldn’t read the expression on her face. Eventually she said, “We’re leaving right after noon. But I heard my father say that we’ll probably be back next year.”

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

“I’ll be looking for you. Don’t forget me.”

“I won’t. I brought you something.” He pulled his favorite stone, the shiny, blood-red one, out of his pocket. “Here. I found it near the stream that goes by our fields two years ago. It’s my favorite.”

She took it. “It’s beautiful. Are you sure you want to give it away?”

He nodded. “Yes. I saved it for something special. And that’s you.”

She laughed. “That’s the nicest gift I’ve ever had. And the nicest compliment.”

From the circus, a deep voice called, “Nina! Where are you?”

Nina got up. “I have to go.”

Jozef rose, too. She threw her arms around him, kissed him on the cheek, and stepped back. “Good bye.”

“Until next year,” he said, but she was already running toward the circus enclosure. She turned once, waved at him, and was gone.

The Priest -- 6

“Hi,” Jozef said to the dark skinned girl leaning against the empty animal cage.

She glanced at him, then down at her feet. “Hi.”

What should he say next? He thought of her riding the elephant and blurted out, “The best part of all the performances was when you rode that elephant into the ring.”

“It wasn’t a big deal. Not like the tightrope walkers.”

“You looked so beautiful on top of that large animal, and I could tell you loved it and loved riding it.”

She glanced up at him with another of her brilliant smiles and nodded.

“Have you always lived in the circus?”

Again she nodded.

Mama’s strident voice came from the other side of the elephant, where his brothers were dismounting. “Jozef! Where are you?”

He turned to the girl, knowing he had only a few minutes left. “Can you play tomorrow? I’ll be in town until late afternoon.”

She nodded. “I’m not supposed to. But yes. They’re taking down the tent tomorrow morning and I'd just be in the way.”

“Good. I’ll be here at ten in the morning.” He nodded toward the large tree just outside the circus fence. “I’ll be waiting for you there. My name is Jozef, by the way.”

She gave him another of her amazing smiles. “I’m Nina. I’ll be there.”

“Great. I can’t wait. But I have to go now.”

He turned and saw his mother striding toward him. “Haven’t I told you to stay put? What would happen to you if you’d get lost?”

“It’s okay Mama. I didn’t get lost.” He followed her back toward where the rest of the family was standing, his brothers excitedly talking.

Mama stopped and frowned at him. “These gypsies could have kidnapped you and I’d have never seen you again. Did you ever think of that?”

“Oh Mama. They are circus artists, not gypsies. And I don’t think they kidnap people.”

She patted his head. “Maybe so. In any case you’re back safe.”

They joined the other brothers and Papa. Jozef glanced back at the cage, but the girl had disappeared. He hardly heard Januz talk about the ride. All he could think about was meeting Nina the next day.

The Priest -- 5

Jozef's three brothers were next to ride the elephant

Mother turned to Papa. “Is it all right if they take a ride on the elephant, Piotr?”

Papa, in a great mood, nodded. “But only one. That animal can carry all four.” He handed her some money.

Mother approached the boy who collected money from the visitors. “How much for my four boys?” she asked and pointed to Jozef and his brothers.

The young man looked at the boys and shook his head. “They’re too big already. Our elephant is old. It can only carry three of them.” He named a price for one ride with three children.

Mother frowned. She turned to the boys. “Januz, you’re too old anyway. Let the younger ones ride.”

Januz groaned. “I really want to ride.”

“Januz!” Papa growled.

Januz turned away from the group. Jozef heard him mutter. “It’s always me. Why do I have to be the eldest?”

Jozef saw his opportunity. He would have liked to ride the elephant, but he wanted to talk to that girl more than the wanted the ride. He pulled on Mama’s hand.

“Mama.” He looked at her with big eyes, hoping she’d see the little boy he used to be. “I don’t really want to ride. The elephant is so big. Let Januz ride. He wants to.”

Mama looked down at him frowning. “Are you sure?”

He nodded, not trusting himself to say anything else.

“Okay then.” Mama called Januz, then turned back to Jozef. “He’ll ride. You stay here. Don’t you get lost, hear?”

Jozef nodded.

Mama and Papa herded the other boys towards the elephant and helped them up.

Jozef glanced at the girl who was still leaning against the cage. She was done eating, and when his eyes caught hers, she gave him a brilliant smile.

Jozef walked up to her.

The Scooter 2nd Part

Vati was reaching behind the picture with one hand while holding it in place against the carousel with the other.

In my excitement about maybe getting a new scooter for me and my siblings, I didn’t notice his irritated cussing at the screw. “Vati,” I called, “can we get a scooter for ten carousel tickets?”

Vati didn’t even turn to look at me. “No. Leave me alone. Now I dropped that &*&% screw.”

I stepped closer. If he’d just listen he would understand that this was important.

Before I could open my mouth again, he said, “Get out of here, now.”

I knew that tone of voice. If I’d persist now, he would push me, or worse, hit me, so I trudged back to the girls and Josefa, who was bent, inspecting the younger girl’s scooter.

I walked up to the older girl who looked at me expectantly. “My Vati won’t give me any tickets.”

“I guess I’d be happy with seven tickets, too,” she said.

“I can’t talk to him right now. He’s mad. Could you come back tomorrow?”

Josefa straightened and almost dropped the scooter. “Yes. Tomorrow. We’ll get you the tickets then.”

“And bring the scooter. Maybe if he sees it, he’ll give us the tickets.”

“Sounds good. I’ll bring it later.”

“Please?” Josefa chimed in. She looked at the girl with her bright, brown eyes and made her really cute face.

The big girl smiled at her.

The littler girl reached out her scooter. “Here. You can take a ride.”

I wandered off. Too bad I couldn’t make a cute face like Josefa could.

Mutti called me into the caravan home and gave me the new potato peeler we’d bought a little while before. “Here. Peel me six potatoes. It should go easy with this.”

Listlessly, I hacked at the potatoes, all the while thinking about that scooter. How we could whiz through each new town with that! All the other kids would be so jealous.

Josefa drifted in, and soon Mutti called out the caravan door, “Vati, Franz, essen kommen, come and eat!”

We finished our supper. When Vati was finished, he pushed away his plate and leaned back.

He grinned at me and Carmen and patted Franz on his head. “I got something for you children.”

Franz looked up. “What is it?”

The way I knew Vati, it probably was something that required us to help Mutti in the caravan home. But his next words confused me.

Vati focused on me. “It will keep you out from under your mother’s feet, I hope. Come on out and see.”

I rose and followed after Franz and Josefa.

Outside, leaning against the caravan steps, stood a brown scooter with red handlebars.

“Oh,” Josefa said, for once speechless.

Franz touched the handlebars. “Can I learn how to ride it, too?”

Vati patted his back. “Sure you can. But first, let your sisters try it out.” He turned to me. “Is that what you wanted earlier when you bothered me?”

I nodded. “Thank you so much,” I managed to say.

Carmen added, “We’ll take good care of it. I promise.”

And that was how we got our scooter. When we were traveling, it rode in the pack trailer, where Vati stored the carousel and the other attractions.

Franz soon learned to ride it too, and not long after, raced it down a steep declining street. He couldn’t brake in time and hit the wall at the end of the street. He had to have six stitches in his forehead.

Elfriede Markus

Elfriede Edel as a Young Widow

 Mutti’s mother was a widow when Mutti was four years old. She was young and pretty, and wanted to have a man in her life. She went out dancing and having fun while leaving the little girl all alone at home. Eventually she married again, and her name changed from Elfriede Edel to Elfriede Markus.

Elfriede was very young when Mutti was born. She was far from her family and didn’t really know how to raise a child. In many ways, Mutti was emotionally and physically abused. She told me a few years ago that parents of that time hit their children and rarely praised them as a matter of course.

 My wedding in 1973. Elfried and Max are in the front, with my baby brother Michael between them. I'm right behind Max, and my father is next to me with my sister Josefa. Mutti is on the right behind Elfriede, with my husband Gary next to her.

And that’s the reason why I never met my grandmother Elfriede until my wedding at 23. When Mutti was still small, she swore she’d never hit her children. When the war was finally over, Mutti was six months pregnant, so she and Vati got married as soon as they could, with no one of Mutti’s family in attendance.

A year or so later, before traveling to Berlin became very difficult, Mutti and Vati visited Max and Elfriede Markus in Berlin. Then they took their circus back to Hessen, the heartland of Germany. Mutti had no contact with her mother. They never wrote each other. Telephoning was out of the question because of our constant travels. My grandmother must have tried to visit when I was small, but I don’t remember that. When we were older, Mutti told us children that she had no wish to have her mother close to her children, because she was afraid Elfriede would hit us. She didn’t want that, and she didn’t want to deal with her mother.

However, by the time I was 23, they had contacted each other again, and my grandmother was invited, and came, to my wedding. I never met her again after that.

But even though I grew up without grandparents, I hope I have become a pretty good grandmother! I enjoy being a grandmother very much!

Read This!

I just received my advance copies of the book, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Messages from Heaven. My story, "A Message for Mom," starts on page 47. The story is a true account of an experience one of my husband's brothers had many years ago, after their youngest brother was hit by a car and passed away. I wanted you all to know.

I'd love for you to follow the link below and order a copy to read my story. Here's the link:



Tomorrow there'll be more about Mutti and my unusual childhood!