After mass, Jozef , in his quarters, spent his time in
prayer. He was desperately trying to clear his mind to God’s will. As he rose
from his knees around 1:30, he still felt as confused as he had the last two
days.
If God wanted him to do His work, to follow the path of priestly
dedication to him then why did he feel so strongly for a mere tightrope dancer
from the circus?
Why did he have to meet her in the first place, long before
he started on the path of dedication to the church? Was it an early temptation
from the adversary? But when he first met her, he had been but a boy with no sinful
feelings at all. All he remembered was his love and admiration for a lonesome
little elephant rider. Maybe meeting her that long ago had been a sign that the
path of the priesthood was not for him, after all.
It was just too great a coincidence that he met her again,
here, with his feelings for her still as strong. And still as pure, almost.
He had to see her again, if nothing else, just to figure out
whether his feelings were a sham, whether he would be overwhelmed with desire
for her or with possessiveness. These feelings would be of the devil then.
At the best, he’d still feel love for her. He would wish her
the best in her journey with her new husband and know that he, Jozef, would
never love another woman again. After that, his path would be clear and his
soul searching done.
He took his collar and cassock off, dressed in an old shirt
and suit, and went for a walk to the tree behind the church.
No comments:
Post a Comment